


To whom it may concern (I’m sorry)

by Kelly_Namikaze



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Burns, Dissociation, F/M, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 02:49:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17014173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelly_Namikaze/pseuds/Kelly_Namikaze
Summary: A series of one shots about depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders, and how the Avengers react.





	1. Numb

**Author's Note:**

> So this is basically a vent fic, because I have been dealing with some shit, and I needed to do something.

You loved Steve, you really did. He was sweet, and caring, considerate and thoughtful, everything you ever could have wanted. You loved Steve more than you thought you could love somebody.

And you tried so _hard_ to show that you loved him back. Buying him a new set tof pencils when he was running low, reading to him when he got back from a rough mission, and making sure he remembered to eat. It’s just you were so bad with words.

You two dating was such a gradual thing, it surprised the both of you when Sam finally pointed it out. The two of you had met through him, being mutual friends. You had similar interests, and hanging out had become a regular thing within weeks. But you had the social grace of a doorknob, so when Steve had given you a hug, you had froze.

It happened again the first time he had kissed you on the cheek. You wanted these things, but couldn’t bring yourself to make the first move, constantly ready for rejection. So when Sam pointed it out one day, and you had both finished being blushing messes, Steve looked over at you, and had asked you out.

You had said yes, which brings you back to your current dilemma of being terrible with words. He was liberal with his affection towards you, throwing I love you’s around constantly. Well before you two were even dating, this was a regular occurrence. And you tried to return it, you did.

But sometimes, you just couldn’t.

You shut down, not able to feel emotions at all, just a cold shell. It was times like these it made you glad the two of you hadn’t quite hit the point of moving in.

Especially today, where you had tried every healthy coping mechanism you had, and you still felt like a stranger in your own body, sitting in the middle of your apartment. Your skin tingled, and you knew that if you didn’t do something, the episode would escalate. Looking outside, you saw the thick layer of snow coating your balcony.

Not bothering with even a thin sweater, in only your tanktop and shorts, you threw open the door and laid down in the snow, letting it seep into your system. Distantly, you heard your phone go off. Slowly but surely, the cold was becoming almost painful, but you didn’t get up, afraid of what would happen if you stopped. What you’d do to feel again.

So wrapped up in your own thoughts, you didn’t hear the front door open.

~~~~~~

Steve stepped off the quinjet, tired but happy to be home early. After the debrief and changing into his civvies, he pulled out his phone, sending you a text about how he’d be coming over in about a half hour.

If he remembered correctly, you were off today, and he couldn’t wait to lay down on the couch at your place with you. He stopped on his way over to grab food, seeing as it was around lunchtime.

When he got to your apartment, he unlocked the door, and stepped in, expecting there to be some sort of greeting, frowning when all he got was silence. He could see your shoes in the wrack, and your keys on the table, so you were here. He set down the food in the table in the kitchen before searching. The first place he checked was your room, assuming you were taking a nap, only to find an empty bed. You weren’t in any of the rooms, but as he passed through the living room, he felt a draft coming from the balcony door.

It was open just slightly, the seal open just enough to let in the cold winter air, and he opened the door, to see you laying in the snow, shivering violently. His eyes widened, taking in your clothes that were soaked through, your skin bright red, lips blue. You didn’t react to his appearance at all, too busy staring into nothingness.

He was frozen for a moment, before quickly bending to gather you in his arms. Steve frowned at the look in your eyes, glossed over, a million miles away. Your skin was ice cold, and he quickly brought you inside to the bathroom, setting you down on the edge of the tub. He shook your shoulder slightly, trying to bring you back.

“Hey, Y/n? Doll? I need you to come back here.” He couldn’t hide the concern in his voice, and you looked up at him dazed, finally registering his presence.

“Steve? What’re you doing here?” You asked, speech slow as if you had just woken up. “Thought you had a mission.”

He gave you a weak smile. “Yeah doll, I did, but I got home early. But right now I need to get you into something warm. Do you wanna bath or shower?”

“Mm, can I have a bath? With a bath bomb?” You smiles up at him, and Steve was concerned at how different you were from just a moment ago.

“Of course. I’ll start the bath and grab you some new clothes while you pick out one, okay?” At your nod he got to work, and once the water was running at an acceptable level, he went to your room, grabbing a fleece set of pyjamas and slippers, along with a towel.

He dropped them on the lid of the toilet, and watched as you very seriously considered which bath bomb you wanted. Concerned at your still shivering form, he went to your kitchen, and decided hot chocolate was in order.

He quickly steamed some milk, mixing it with hot chocolate mix, managing to find some mini marshmallows in your cupboards. Steve brought two large mugs into the bathroom, setting them on the sink.

Once the tub was full, he shut off the water and turned off the tap. “Okay Y/n, the bath is ready, do you want me to stay in here, or wait in the living room?”

You looked up at the blonde. “Can you stay and wash my hair?” Your question made him smile, you loved it when he played with your hair.

He nodded, and managed to get you into the tub without issue, and when you pointed out which bath bomb you wanted, he let you drop it in. Steve hummed softly as he washed your hair, and you hummed happily.

When he handed you your hot chocolate, which had sat just long enough to be drinkable, his face got a bit more serious. “Y/n, what happened?”

You frowned, looking down at your cup. “It’s just some days, I have issues with… feeling, I guess is the easiest way to put it.” At his confused look, you cringed. “Um, for example, I’ll be watching a movie, and it gets to a sad part. I don’t care, and it’s not that I don’t want to care, it’s that I can’t. And sometimes, it helps for me to shock myself into feeling.”

Steve sucked in a breath. “How long were you out there?”

“I got a text while I was outside, pretty much as I got outside, but I don’t know when.” You told him, and the blonde eyes widened.

He quickly got up and retrieved your phone from where he had seen it in the living room. Seeing the screen light up, and the only notification was from Steve’s text from forty five minutes ago. Coming back to the bathroom, his chest tight with worry. “Doll, you were out there for over half an hour!”

“Oh.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Let’s get you dried off. I have food waiting in the kitchen.” The blonde said, his voice teetering between fear and anger.

A warm pair of clothes later, you were sitting in the living room, Chinese takeout on you laps. Both of you were silent, you were waiting for Steve to speak, and the blonde trying to gather his thoughts.

Eventually, he put down his food, and you looked over at his face. “Y/n, you scared the hell out of me. I thought you were taken, or you had frozen. I can’t lose you doll, and I felt like I was too close today.”

You sighed. “I’m not-I’m not sorry. Not for going outside. I am sorry that I worried you though.”

He pulled you close, nuzzling your head. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”


	2. These are the lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a particularly bad day, you just try to calm yourself down.  
> Warnings for this chapter: self harm through burns, self esteem issues

You sat in the bathroom, hands shaking heavily as tears streamed down your face. You knew that today was going to be bad, right from the moment you woke up. Maybe you should’ve stayed in bed.

You had tripped on the curb on the way to school, ripping new jeans, only to arrive to you first class late on the day of a test. Looking down at your page, you had no idea what it was history being your weakest subject. Leaving the room with the knowledge you probably flunked it, you met up with Peter, Ned, and Mj.

You greeted the boys with a small hug, going to collapse beside MJ where she sat with a new book. She just looked at you knowingly before scooting over and resting her head on your shoulder. You made grabby hands at Peter and Ned, getting Ned to sit beside you. Your brunette friend sat in front of you, leaning backwards, and you ran your hands through his hair. It was one part of the day that rarely sucked, as you had convinced your dad to get all of them spares at the same time as you.

Soon enough though, it was back to the grindstone. Having barely slept the night before, you muddled through your engineering class, mostly just sitting and staring off into space as it was free time to work on projects. Other classes passed much the same, and lunch was spent on a walk to McDonald’s because Peter had forgot to bring food for the millionth time.

The last class of the day went okay, and it wasn’t until you had packed up your bag that you realized that you had left your wallet in your math class. Cursing loudly, you ran to the office to get someone to open it. It took twenty minutes for a custodian to arrive, as there had been a mishap in one of the labs. Ned had to go home, but Peter and MJ waited with you, and you felt terrible, knowing that MJ’s bus was probably long gone.

You finally got your stuff, and decided to wait with the sarcastic girl at the bus stop, seeing as it was another thirty minutes out. About halfway through, you grimaced as you realized that Murphy’s law had just kicked in.

Your period had started.

Deciding to ignore it for the moment, you gave MJ a hug and walked with Peter until you both split up to catch your own buses.

When you finally got home, about an hour and a half late, you were relieved to realize that he was still in the lab, and probably hadn’t noticed your lack of presence.

You cleaned yourself up, and sat on the edge of the tub in your ridiculous sized bathroom.

Then came the waterworks.

And here we are now. A crying mess trying to get yourself together before Friday alerted him to your tears. It was hard though, all that pent up emotion was just pouring out of you, and you couldn’t stop it. Not without an outside help.

You had issues with self harm, specifically burns, as they were the easiest to explain away with your lifestyle. You quickly took out your curling iron, a gift from Pepper that you rarely used for it’s proper purpose.

You watched as it heated up, waiting until it was completely heated before picking it up and carefully pressing burns into your right arm, taking care to make it look accidental. The tension in your body eased out, and the tears on your face slowed, too focused on the task to cry. Pain wasn’t a factor, it didn’t hurt that much, and you switched over to the other arm, taking even more care, as it was you dominant arm.

You wanted a clear mind, not permanent damage. You were already useless, there was no reason to compound the issue. The level of your worth was directly correlated to your usefulness, and you didn’t want to be kicked out.

There was a knock on the door to your room, and you were thrown back into reality, a glass of ice water being dumped on you. Quickly unplugging the iron, you ran and threw on your favourite sweater, and came to stand in front of your door.

“Who is it?” You asked, because the other Avengers liked to drop in randomly.

“You know who, now I’m coming in, please make sure you are adequately dressed.” The door slid open, and Tony Stark, also known as your father, stood with a large grin on his face that fell when he saw you.

You frowned at him. “What?”

“Sweetie, were you crying?” He asked, and you wanted to smack yourself. Of course, you should’ve taken two seconds to wipe off the tear tracks.

You smiled at him. “Nothing serious dad, just was watching a sad movie.”

He gave you a suspicious look. “Mmhhm. C’mere kiddo.” He opened his arms, and came forward to give you a hug. The pain from the burns had turned into an ache that intensified when touched, and as you wrapped your arms around him, you winced heavily. He pulled back, looking at you. “Y/n, are you sure you’re okay?”

You gave him the biggest smile you could muster. “Of course dad, I’d tell you if I wasn’t.”

He nodded, and started moving towards the door. “If you say so. I got something to show you in the lab. Pepper finally let me get a minibar in there so there’s ice cream in the freezer if you want.”

“Sounds great.”


End file.
